Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
