i may or may not be watching the land before time
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
