I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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