My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
50% drunk capacity currently
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
