I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i don't like sucking hair
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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