told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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