OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
