Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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