the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
