I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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