I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
