I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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