Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
