They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
