Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
