I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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