I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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