Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
