Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
