If that was your dad, he is hot
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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