my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
