I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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