He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
