if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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