My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
