You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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