Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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