you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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