woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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