At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
