I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
