it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
