I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
