the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
