So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
