Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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