If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
