Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Randomize
