I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize