On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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