No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
