There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
