There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
