Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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