How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
