hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
that may or may not have been my penis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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