dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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