What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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