I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
