Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
