I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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