i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
