you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
