WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
