Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
